Halloween-Swirl Sugar Cookies

            It's that time of year again. Pumpkins, haunted houses, scary movies, monsters, teen girls shopping for underwear (Sorry, I mean Halloween costumes), candy, etc. Ask any man and they'd tell you this season is like a second Christmas. However, being a female with "A cups" and less of an ass than Miley Cyrus, it's safe to say that I prefer even Flag Day over Halloween. It's true; I was never one to get hyped about Halloween, except for that one time in fifth grade when I couldn't decide if I should be a ballerina, witch, or Nelly. However, the one thing I do enjoy about this holiday is that no one can say a damn thing about how much sugar you're ingesting. Diabetics, rejoice! I had a whole list of different Halloween-themed desserts to recreate, but just like everything else in my life, I gave up on it. One recipe did seem to make the cut- these Halloween-Swirl Cookies. They look absolutely professional but in reality are fairly easy. Seriously, if you want to impress people with food, look no further!  Need a new boyfriend? Forget the slutty dress and just show up with a box of these on the first date. Need a new job? Forget the slutty dress (or resume?) and bring in these little guys to the interview...Actually, don't do that. Jobs are hard to come by.

"Swirl Sugar Cookies"

Ingredients:

• 1 1/2 c. butter, softened
• 2 1/2 c. sugar
• 4 eggs
• 1 tsp. vanilla extract
• 5 c. flour
• 2 tsp. baking powder
• 1 tsp. salt
• gel food coloring of choice
• parchment paper
• sprinkles of choice

Directions: 

 For sugar cookies: In large bowl, cream butter and sugar together till creamy. Beat in vanilla and eggs until smooth. Stir in flour, baking powder, and salt. Cover and chill dough for at least an hour or overnight.   

For decoration:

1. Take dough and divide into 3 or 4 large balls (depending on how many colors you will be using).
2. Make a well into each large ball and add a pool of specific gel food coloring (I used purple, orange, and green). Fold balls until each dough is the desired color. 
3. Next, break down larger dough balls into small, grape sized balls and lay on parchment paper.
4.  Take one of each colored grape sized ball and roll together to make a larger ball. The final product will resemble a beach ball.
5. "Log roll" cookies on parchment paper so that they are long and skinny. Play with log of dough by twisting and rolling so that you get all color to show.
6. Coil the cookies by taking one end and wrapping it in towards the other. If one end is fatter, start with that end. Once coiled, pinch the free end to the ridge of the cookie so it is a closed system. 
7. Lightly spray cooking oil on baking sheets
8. Before baking, take coiled cookies and roll edges in sprinkles or sugar. Heck, get crazy and do both.
9. If dough ever gets too warm, stick in the freezer for 1-2 minutes.
10. Preheat oven to 400 degrees F. 
11. Bake cookies for 6-9 minutes. It may be difficult to tell if cookies are done because of the dye, so it may be helpful to let them bake for another minute. 
12. Let cookies cool for a few minutes
13. Store in an airtight container and allow people to drool and stare in awe. 
14. Makes about 5 dozen cookies

             Although these cookies are simple, they take longer to finish than a frat boy after Tequila Night. Although they're time consuming, I promise these will be the talk of the Halloween party! Amidst the horrible Duck Dynasty and scantily made animal costumes, these cookies will stand out like that guy who showed up in the "I don't do Halloween" shirt. As for me, I will be spending Halloween studying for my exams, watching Hocus Pocus for the sixth time (this week..), and scoping out the hot dads who are accompanying their kids Trick-O-Treating. Thanks again to Make, Bake, Celebrate for coming up with this original recipe. Woman like you make the rest of us embarrassed to be alive. You're an inspiration.

                  Number of Pinterest recipes completed: 18
                  I declare this recipe a: wonderful alternative to the healthy crap people are trying to force-feed their children this Halloween

Raspberry Cream Cheese Crunch Muffins

                  My friend has been asking me for many months to make  muffins. (Wow, I'm definitely better at writing tongue-twisters than baking). With every request I would lazily shrug and say "Sure", but I knew that I would probably just make cupcakes instead. They say that the rusty wheel gets the oil, but I preach that the annoying bitch gets ignored. However, since I love my friend, muffins somehow appeared in my oven. My personal vendetta against this morning pastry is longstanding. Every time I make them, something goes wrong. When I'm in the kitchen, it's like I'm Shaggy from Scooby Doo Constantly f****ing up what I'm "supposed to" be good at, and of course, looking like a scrub and eating snacks with my dog. If I'm honest, the only muffins I see on a regular basis are the ones hanging from my hips. Somehow I'm "okay" with this.
                 By now you guys are probably thinking that a small muffin-genocide occurred in my kitchen, but surprisingly, I pulled this little gig off! Unlike my creepy Uncle Tony, I actually wanted to introduce this dessert to my friends. The cinnamon streusel topping was just crunchy enough to complement the delicious, smooth consistency of the cream cheese. Oh and the raspberries...well, they tasted almost as good as getting called off from work feels. And if you've never experienced that miracle, well then I guess you'll have to make these muffins in order to compensate. But who am I kidding, no muffin could replace the glory of sleeping all day and eating ice cream out of the carton while judging the outfits of the people on Let's Make a Deal.

"Raspberry Cream Cheese Muffins"

Ingredients: 

• 1/4 c. flour
• 1/4 c. white sugar
• 1 tsp. cinnamon
• 2 T. butter, softened
• 2 c. flour
• 1/2 c. white sugar
• 2 tsp. baking powder
• 1/2 tsp. salt
• 1 large egg
• 1/4 c. canola oil
• 1 c. milk 
• 1 tsp. vanilla extract
• 1 qt. cleaned raspberries (or strawberries, blueberries, Chuck Berry....)
• 4 oz. cream cheese, softened
• 1/2 c. sugar
• 2 T. beaten egg
• 1 tsp. vanilla extract

Directions:

1. Preheat oven to 400 degrees
2. Lightly grease muffin tin.
3. Muffin Topping: combine flour (1/4 c.), sugar (1/4 c.), cinnamon (1 tsp.), and butter (2 T.) and set aside in small bowl
4. Muffin Mix: in medium bowl mix flour (2 c.), sugar (1/2 c.), baking powder (2 tsp.), and salt (1/2 tsp.) and set aside. Make a hole in the middle of dry ingredients.
5. Next, whisk egg, oil, milk, and vanilla
6. Pour wet ingredients into the dry ingredient and mix until just combined
7. Cream Cheese Mixture: mix cream cheese and sugar until fluffy. Should take around 2 minutes.
8. Add egg (2 T.) and vanilla (1tsp.) until combined
9. Put cream cheese mix into a pipette/frosting/Ziploc bag and snip corner
10. Pour muffin mix into pans about 1/2-3/4 full (depending on size of muffin desired)
11. Pipe cream cheese mixture into middle of muffin pan. 
12. Top muffins with streusel topping and berries of choice
13. Bake 20-25 minutes or until toothpick comes out clean

        

                         Now, I chose to make my muffins Hobbit sized, yet many things seem tiny when you're 6'0" tall and have man hands that even Jerry Seinfeld wouldn't touch. However, you can make these treats any portion you want. But let's face it, when our desserts are tiny, that means we can eat more without feeling guilty, right? These muffins are perfect for breakfast, a lunch-time snack, after-dinner-dessert, or basically any time you're feeling sorry for yourself. I'm lucky I don't have a family or children because with practically zero prep and bake time, this would be dinner almost every night. After all, sugar is the sixth food group. I think. I slept through my Nutrition course in undergrad.
                         Thank you so much, On Sutton Place, for this deliciously wonderful recipe. I've used (ruined) more of your recipes within the past year than I would like to admit. However, just like anything that's sinfully delicious (chocolate, hate-sex, Papa John's pizza, sleeping in the fetal position, etc.) you just can't help but keep coming back.

                      
                         Number of Pinterest recipes completed: 17
                         I declare this recipe a: reason to finally admit to not knowing "The Muffin Man"